A War Waged Unprepared

I stole myself away before there was nothing left to take.

My heart lay in shattered ruins, the once beautiful city so bright.

Brittle, broken shards of life lingered at my feet.

My soul hung from a tree, the rope drown tightly about the life force.

Is that gruesome thing by the city gates the heart which once rested within my breast?

How could I have let this carnage take place here?

Why was there nothing to defend the most delicate of places there?

I was not prepared to live in the dark and tangled world of bleak despair.

The bloody battle raged for years with nothing I could do.

Tools needed to prepare oneself for such a war I did not have.

But now I am here, in the midst of this ruined city, surrendered.

To my maker, the founder of my foundation.

A hope beyond this refuge pile that seemingly continues grow.

With the maker of beauty in progress I know the future is bright.

I know for sure that something full of light is on the way.

After all this blackness consume, to be refreshed is inspiring.

One day I will find myself shiny and new.

All that I will know shall be of he who has made me whole.

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When Facing Darkness Today

Have you ever stood at the edge

Ready to jump

Spring out of fear into darkness

Staring into the abyss

From having just come back

After having looked into it

Gazes

A sharp knowledge within

Facing death

He was always so close by

I am a wreck to admit

Him I do miss

The shadows I fear

Always fear

Will it be fading

The sorrow eating at me

It is sad to know

I still have this dream

To fade away

From this reality

Such a strong pull

Trying to will me to

Taking me back

Into the arms of blackness

Surrender

To the bleakness

Please dear Love

Hope do sing

Hold me tighter

Do not let it take me

I won’t break again

I want joy

To live in love

All surrounding

I need to live

And dream of brighter days

I really don’t

Want to fade today

Like water on stone

Washed away

Be my anchor hold

Keep me close

To suffer through

Make it brighter

My load much lighter

This burden I bear

To you try to release

Let me be free

See Unseen

Disappear behind the glass

See what cannot be seen

The heart that is so broken

Feel the light warming inside

Vision of truth and lies reside

Where will you live today

After such a dreaded night

Look deeper then the skin

Or the words people speak

The heart and soul are real

Only there can you find me

Where the Pain could take me

If I would have known my future

I would have asked to not be born

Beg to be aborted

I know that sounds sick

Maybe a little demented

Life has twisted my perception of it

At least that is how I could feel

The way my thoughts try to wander

But in truth

Life is precious and dear

I have been given so much

Even through the raving storms

Inches upon inches of rain

When I look back at all the pain

I wonder how I made it

I try to stay away

Without running far in the other direction

Stay in the present

Be in this place right here

Trauma and ranges of fear haunt me

Living is a hard feet to accomplish

Each day a trial

But I wake up

I get up and move

My voice is weak to this day

Barely audible above life’s static

I am here

Depending on something greater

To more than get me by

I hope one day I will live more

Living to thrive

That is what I believe

On the other side of it all

No more

Only brighter

Live life lighter Today

For that is all I really have

Like

withered

like a dying flower

broken

like this shattered glass

bitter

like a desert herb

mourning

like a childless widow

dark

like a moonless night

fearful

like a lost kitten

this

never again like that

 

Fear Down

The fear rises to consume,

a terror in the night,

darkest of frights,

filled with horrors unspeakable,

how can I fight this,

will I before I die,

eating my tears as I sleep,

a soul deeply vexed,

draining my life,

drifting with a broken heart,

a shattered spirit,

living in nightmares,

that is what did seem,

to be my eternity,

There is something greater,

Brighter than light,

Breaking my bounds,

No more darkness,

Just a life lived in freedom

Finally living,

Only trusting the truth,

That is saving me.

A Brain Trap

Trapped within the darkness

the places I am confined

repeating yesterdays or yesteryears

a cycle doomed to repeat

failures looming over and over

destruction playing as a reel

the movie ending you hate to see

like a horror film lived

or a thriller with a dreaded end

over and over again I see

all the hell on repeat in my brain

memories so chillingly dark

dreams filled with broken shadows

please just stop playing

just be gone, just go away

 

 

Traveling Through Darkness

I once believed in a story filled with pain. No happy ending could be claimed. Surrounded in sadness, all consuming. Broken was her name, eternally shamed. No hope in sight, nothing near joy could be found. Why fight a seemingly losing battle, a fight with only wounds. Nothing but darkness to see, no light in my presence. Or so that is what I was to believe, that is what I had seen. Life was meaningless, faith was useless as hoping. And that is what I would be, finding a reason for living was fading. Each breath was a waste of time, for me living was a crime. Distancing myself from everything living, fade away into shadows. Why keep it up if to hurt is all there is, is that all it means? And so I had felt, It is the way I truly believed. My life was nothing but death, even int he depths of my dreams. But today I stand a changed being, broken yet whole. Pieces shattered about, parts were stolen away. I will survive and live and thrive to be alive. I have found hope, that I thought couldn’t be there. A light in the darkest of places shown brightly through. Today I live a life in love, my story is true. To surrender to the unhappy places, an unending curse. There is such a thing as life after terror, I am there I say. Hard it was to battle, to be a being of this bright land. Even in the darkness I stand firm on this ground, knowing the storm will pass. So take heart all you weak from your battles, or weathered and worn. There is that light at the end, I know, I have traveled it long.

Re – Built

Without one word I walked away
I knew it had to be done
For it was
Finished
Complete
To continue
There was no need

What was broken
can it be fixed
What was shattered
can it be made new
What was taken
can it be returned

Questions unanswered
Reformed
Renewed
Transformed
By what had transpired
All to be remade
As to what am I
Or
I suppose who
do I know
do you

Can we be recreated
After the tragedy
To seem
Shiny and new

Built from the chaos
The formation
from junk compiled
Using from nothing
To construct
something stronger
Higher
Mightier

To be
Yes
Something
Alive
A living
Tower

What is the truth

What is the point, why keep wandering

I look forward in fear

Is there anything for me in the future

Do I have a future

What is my purpose, my reason for living

I look back into the past

A broken place filled with fear

What have the shadows created

Things burned, twisted and molded

But is that all I am

Or is this there truly something much more

More to be lived out, to be

Can I really rise up and live

Will I actually survive, no thrive

Do I have a future after all

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