Had I ever held on to hope? Now I can not be sure. I have dwelt in this grey for so long how could I have. Knowing I had come from something bleaker there were thoughts of something a bit brighter. I believed I had finally found the path to myself. Was it only to find myself on the edgs of the abyss once again? Circling into madness. Lost within my shadows and fears. Now will this blackness I have descended into be my eternal residence?
Did I not know it? The path to take? The journey to make?
How could I have lived in darkness so easily, I often wonder.
You may ask why do they stay? How could they let that happen?
Don’t, do not ever ask those questions. Because you do not really want to understand.
You have never felt that kind of fear.
You have never understood this kind pain.
You have never loved the darkness, hoping someday it would be the light.
You can not ask those questions of insincerity and say that you care.
We don’t need another liar in our broken lives.
We cannot even answer those questions completely.
Life doesn’t always go the way we had planned.
Sometimes it is more a living nightmare.
A broken dream, don’t make me laugh.
Do not measure my suffering.
Do not think you have ever known me.
No, I don’t think you would have made it through my dreary journey…..I almost didn’t.
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Can any one understand the darkness inside
Will any one know the shadows I hide from
The fears so deeply ingrained by times passing
Can the wounds ever be healed
Will the scars ever fade from sight
The terrors may remain for all my life
Can any one know the shame of being powerless in my own mind
Will any one really ever care that I don’t know how to survive
The will to thrive is barely even there inside
This is the life I live each and every day
This is not the choice I want to breath
This is all I am in these shattered seconds
This may be harder to live to the next moment
This is not easy to explain to the unbroken
Beautiful words drip vicariously from your lips, falling to the floor with the sting of poison
What hope is there with the boundaries of who you say you are
The dread of death lingers sickly upon the shadows you leave behind in your wake of destruction
Devastation is the name called out by the vial corpses spread beneath you feet
Shattered souls rising from the ashes destroyed by flames of purest hate
Whoa to those who remain in its presence as one who is corrupt by glory
Those who stumble in the war path of this one that ravages every living force it sees
All those bitter beings will understand dispair in the deepest of realms and in the worst of ways
Did I Wait to long to heal?
Was it too much to just hold as I was? Broken and frail.
Was it all my fault for being hurt, for being shamed?
What could I do?
I had nothing to work with.
There was nothing in me. Nothing at all.
I was nothing. I am nothing.
This is the Battle I fight every moment of every day.
So why couldn’t you love me?
This is me.
A broken porcelain doll, shattered on the floor.
Awakened with fear on my breath, sweat caresses my entire body. My heart rapidly beats as I lie here trying to distinguish reality from fiction. The horrors in my mind unwind around me, falling away in to falsehood. Yet, a shake to my core. The truth is, it may not have been real, but I was there, living that pain and terror. I cannot shake the memories that threaten to consume. Just when you think you are safe, when you can confront the nightmarish past…it rips into your flesh, as a fresh wound. I continue to tremble through each moment I remain awake, fearing sleep, even more so, afraid to face the day. Even when I am awake I can feel the cold chill creeping up my spine. Will these haunting’s ever leave? Or chase me till eternity?
And in the filthy mire he did find me, broken and alone. Gone away I had wandered, dying on my own. Life was far from any place I ever wanted to remain. Being alive I truly did not want to be. In darkness, in scum I did lie, covered in grime. To buried in depths of perpetual suffering, always dying. That is what I had resigned myself to, that morbid place. Something more I was made to live, something greater. Tis true my story was nothing but dirt and shame, yet this amazing grace did save. Loved, I am truly loved, from this I will surely live.
The liquid streams of pain flowed freely from those grey, green pools staring straight through me. Each drop a sorrow filled memory she was unable to be freed from. Her heart ached with the need for warmth, truth, hope. She wanted to know love in its truest form. So tired of the darkness weeping her name every night sleep slipped away from her. Only in the light could she find comfort from her constant fears. Only there would she ever find freedom from the bindings that kept her from not only living but thriving. Her hope was that He is faithful, the truth was He is Love. Here, right here in His arms will she finally find who she was created to be.
Each morn I awake, trying to make it through each day
How do I keep going, to keep smiling and not just fade away
I am so weak, so frail, no real fight within me
What does it take to not turn back, forsake this bright noonday
Nothing inside can give all that must be given to live each day
I am an empty shell filled with all these broken pieces
In shallow waters I could drown, be as lifeless as I seem
Why keep going, looking around trying to survive and live a dream
I won’t just yet, give out, like a shattered knee
No I will turn to the light, nurse my bitter wounds
For the time being I will just exist here in this dark and dreary room
I can’t fight alone in this blackened world so full of demon envy
To shorten a life that isn’t mine to waste is selfish
What I wouldn’t give to be made new and live a life without fear
Now that will be a day to sing and dance with you my dear
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