Mine Own Enemy


Deep in my mind

Lie dark and dreaded seeds

Burnt

Black with sorrow

Bitter happenings

Shaming

All a negative nurture

Blooming deception

My brain has turned against me

Breaking my will

With such a thought

A single word

Sent into horrors

Depths unknown

Fears unseen

All made up

In my silly mind

A past is a place to learn

Not live and grow

Especially in shadows

To fight this battle

A daily war

Is trying

I wish I could just sleep

Take away this trial

At least make me less weak

Save me

From myself

Just hope

For a better day

For the truth

Will set me free

I just want to be free

And safe

Truly safe

Take me home

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When Facing Darkness Today


Have you ever stood at the edge

Ready to jump

Spring out of fear into darkness

Staring into the abyss

From having just come back

After having looked into it

Gazes

A sharp knowledge within

Facing death

He was always so close by

I am a wreck to admit

Him I do miss

The shadows I fear

Always fear

Will it be fading

The sorrow eating at me

It is sad to know

I still have this dream

To fade away

From this reality

Such a strong pull

Trying to will me to

Taking me back

Into the arms of blackness

Surrender

To the bleakness

Please dear Love

Hope do sing

Hold me tighter

Do not let it take me

I won’t break again

I want joy

To live in love

All surrounding

I need to live

And dream of brighter days

I really don’t

Want to fade today

Like water on stone

Washed away

Be my anchor hold

Keep me close

To suffer through

Make it brighter

My load much lighter

This burden I bear

To you try to release

Let me be free

Where the Pain could take me


If I would have known my future

I would have asked to not be born

Beg to be aborted

I know that sounds sick

Maybe a little demented

Life has twisted my perception of it

At least that is how I could feel

The way my thoughts try to wander

But in truth

Life is precious and dear

I have been given so much

Even through the raving storms

Inches upon inches of rain

When I look back at all the pain

I wonder how I made it

I try to stay away

Without running far in the other direction

Stay in the present

Be in this place right here

Trauma and ranges of fear haunt me

Living is a hard feet to accomplish

Each day a trial

But I wake up

I get up and move

My voice is weak to this day

Barely audible above life’s static

I am here

Depending on something greater

To more than get me by

I hope one day I will live more

Living to thrive

That is what I believe

On the other side of it all

No more

Only brighter

Live life lighter Today

For that is all I really have

In Darkness, I cry out


Dreams of darkness fill my mind, covering the back my eyelids,

blood and cutting,

Razors sharp and smooth,

carving and etching,

the words I weave so hungrily from ny flesh,

wounds in crimson lines drawn with empty depth,

the hopelessness and strife,

my brittleness shown through each carefully covered scar,

flashes past been places filled with horror, the carving of cold and lonely flesh, my on escape,

only means of reality,

my penance,

Father I cry out

Save me

rescue

take this burden from my shattered heart

please I beg you, do not let me fall into those dark and lonely places

only you

help me  

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What he did


One day I went away to die
Was taken away
I had nothing left
But I survived
Because I was loved
Because I am
I was saved
Forever
My heart was broken and terribly shattered
Now found and forgiven
Living with laughter
After years of sorrow and crying day in, day out
I am living my life through his sacrifice
He did it
All of it
Not because I was worthy
For I wasn’t then
But now I am
Burned from within
Survived sin
Showered with love
Saving grace to live
I am more than I was
But everything he made me to be
Let us live celebration
For the night has ended
The light shines bright
Smile with me
For now I can see
Life it truly worth living after learning how to die
Now I can fly
Let us soar through the sky
Driven and blessed
Let us share in this chance
Let us hope in the truth
For I was found in the midst
The crud was washed clean
I am me
As I was meant to be

Will you…really


Shattered ice
Shattered ice (Photo credit: ellensamuelsson)

 

And tonight you see
See into the darkness that follows her
Follows her like a dog begging
A shadow seen
Known by her
It’s name bitter on her dry lips
The closest of friends she dare say
At least that has become her belief
Her strength
In her sickly, weakness
But can you dare to understand the pain
Will step in her shoes
Know the terrors that haunt her night after night
How lonely
How sad

 

Breath in the stale air
Stuffy

 

Can you be as broken as she
Shatter in pieces
Around your feet
Believing she is fine
This is the only way
This her life in all its disgusting glory
Fading away
Into the blackness that has chased her
Faced her with an unbridled fury

 

Will you at lest be with her in her loneliness
Or like the world
Walk on by
Not even a glance
Afraid
Fearing her shame
Not wanting to help her in her pain
No time
Of mine to give another
She’ll be fine

 

But our own truths are not reality
Are they….

 

 

A Waste of a day


As I twittled away the bitter day
I know not what I feel
A sorrow swells up within me
Choking me down
Fight tears that I wish would come
Broken from things I can’t even see
Shame and betrayal
Forever burned into my memories
Scars and wounds unseen
I am more then just sitting her
Trying to live am I
Or just wishing I would up an die
Turmoil beyond that of any storm
Just let me fall down
Into the darkness
Devoured
For all time
Never in light to be seen

When is it over


Why do I cry so many times alone at night
Cry all the way into the light
Sadness consumes me
Fills me
Overwhelms me
It is so disheartening
To be
Just be
Those memories terrorize me
And they will not give up
They always seem to win
Things I wish would never have been
I wish I could erase them
I wish I could disappear
Just fade away
away from all this fear.

It Is Finnished


He sits there, looking out the window across the room. Out into that world. He wants it, more than anything. That’s what he said. That’s what he had told her. Was true? She believed it to be. He had wanted. He still does. Something inside him tells him. Its what he wants. But more then that, its what he needs. Why? Why didn’t he fight for it then? It’ll be gone. It is gone. It will never come. He’ll just move on. Get over. She cries. Words never spoken. Things never told. That window. He should wash it. He looks away.

Crying Rain


sometimes you can’t see me cause i hide from you, so that you won’t know
how much i hurt
how bad this feels
sometimes in darkness my blood runs free, the burning feeling
the pain comes out
it shreds right through
and there is nothing i can do
sometimes i walk in the rain so you can’t see the tears, so you won’t know i am unhappy
so you won’t know i’m hurt
it doesn’t matter
please don’t care
please don’t love
so that when i end it this night you won’t have to hide in the rain
so that you won’t feel pain
please don’t cry for me
don’t remember me
or anything i was….