Chained by the Past


Why dream
Why close my eyes
To face nothing but nightmares
To be haunted
Terror absorbing me
Shear terror
Awakening in shock
Covered in a cold sweat
Shaking body
No comfort for me
Surrounded by darkness
Alone with my despair
I cannot remain in this place
Yet I can not seem to move
Frozen with fear
How do I escape this pain
How do I get out of the past
It seems it will never leave me
It will never release me

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With a How


What is called when you want to live, but yearn to die?
What are the words to use when none can describe?
Why does the keep hurting even after the time has gone?
Why must I live those days on a constant repeat?
When these wounds heal, or close, or vanish from sight?
When will my memory recall the joyful times alone?
Where is the place to rest away from haunting dreams?
Where the darkness rest I seem to always be…
How do we fight a seemingly hopeless battle?
How am I to live when I really want to fade away?

Forced to Remember


What is this feeling, more than fear?
Encompassing my mind, body and soul.
Enveloped in a darkness, a shattering sense.
Holding myself tightly, keep me together.
I will fall apart, disappear, fade away.
It keeps getting darker.
I can not seem to breathe.
Life is not so simple, to just be okay.
Will it stop, will it end?
The circle, a cycle that continues to spin.
Am I dying here, within my skin?
Just a broken memory.
These demons will not run away so easily.
How shall I live when the pain is invisible to eyes?
Can you heal a wound that is deep inside?
In places no one can see, hidden from even me.
Maybe just a bit longer.
Just moment more.
If I awake today, perhaps I shall try once more.

A War Waged Unprepared


I stole myself away before there was nothing left to take.

My heart lay in shattered ruins, the once beautiful city so bright.

Brittle, broken shards of life lingered at my feet.

My soul hung from a tree, the rope drown tightly about the life force.

Is that gruesome thing by the city gates the heart which once rested within my breast?

How could I have let this carnage take place here?

Why was there nothing to defend the most delicate of places there?

I was not prepared to live in the dark and tangled world of bleak despair.

The bloody battle raged for years with nothing I could do.

Tools needed to prepare oneself for such a war I did not have.

But now I am here, in the midst of this ruined city, surrendered.

To my maker, the founder of my foundation.

A hope beyond this refuge pile that seemingly continues grow.

With the maker of beauty in progress I know the future is bright.

I know for sure that something full of light is on the way.

After all this blackness consume, to be refreshed is inspiring.

One day I will find myself shiny and new.

All that I will know shall be of he who has made me whole.

Was It Me


Did I Wait to long to heal?

Was it too much to just hold as I was? Broken and frail.

Was it all my fault for being hurt, for being shamed?

What could I do?

I had nothing to work with.

There was nothing in me. Nothing at all.

I was nothing. I am nothing.

This is the Battle I fight every moment of every day.

So why couldn’t you love me?

This is me.

A broken porcelain doll, shattered on the floor.

Mine Own Enemy


Deep in my mind

Lie dark and dreaded seeds

Burnt

Black with sorrow

Bitter happenings

Shaming

All a negative nurture

Blooming deception

My brain has turned against me

Breaking my will

With such a thought

A single word

Sent into horrors

Depths unknown

Fears unseen

All made up

In my silly mind

A past is a place to learn

Not live and grow

Especially in shadows

To fight this battle

A daily war

Is trying

I wish I could just sleep

Take away this trial

At least make me less weak

Save me

From myself

Just hope

For a better day

For the truth

Will set me free

I just want to be free

And safe

Truly safe

Take me home

When Facing Darkness Today


Have you ever stood at the edge

Ready to jump

Spring out of fear into darkness

Staring into the abyss

From having just come back

After having looked into it

Gazes

A sharp knowledge within

Facing death

He was always so close by

I am a wreck to admit

Him I do miss

The shadows I fear

Always fear

Will it be fading

The sorrow eating at me

It is sad to know

I still have this dream

To fade away

From this reality

Such a strong pull

Trying to will me to

Taking me back

Into the arms of blackness

Surrender

To the bleakness

Please dear Love

Hope do sing

Hold me tighter

Do not let it take me

I won’t break again

I want joy

To live in love

All surrounding

I need to live

And dream of brighter days

I really don’t

Want to fade today

Like water on stone

Washed away

Be my anchor hold

Keep me close

To suffer through

Make it brighter

My load much lighter

This burden I bear

To you try to release

Let me be free

See Unseen


Disappear behind the glass

See what cannot be seen

The heart that is so broken

Feel the light warming inside

Vision of truth and lies reside

Where will you live today

After such a dreaded night

Look deeper then the skin

Or the words people speak

The heart and soul are real

Only there can you find me

Where the Pain could take me


If I would have known my future

I would have asked to not be born

Beg to be aborted

I know that sounds sick

Maybe a little demented

Life has twisted my perception of it

At least that is how I could feel

The way my thoughts try to wander

But in truth

Life is precious and dear

I have been given so much

Even through the raving storms

Inches upon inches of rain

When I look back at all the pain

I wonder how I made it

I try to stay away

Without running far in the other direction

Stay in the present

Be in this place right here

Trauma and ranges of fear haunt me

Living is a hard feet to accomplish

Each day a trial

But I wake up

I get up and move

My voice is weak to this day

Barely audible above life’s static

I am here

Depending on something greater

To more than get me by

I hope one day I will live more

Living to thrive

That is what I believe

On the other side of it all

No more

Only brighter

Live life lighter Today

For that is all I really have

Like


withered

like a dying flower

broken

like this shattered glass

bitter

like a desert herb

mourning

like a childless widow

dark

like a moonless night

fearful

like a lost kitten

this

never again like that